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» LCARS » Newspaper: The Federation Tribune » Newspaper Archives » 2004 » May 2004 » The life of a Greasemonkey, by Federation Tribune Reporter Iana Darnena.
 | The life of a Greasemonkey. |  |
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Ah, what can I say about Greasemonkeys. Well, first of all, they are
non-sociable creatures. Yet, they can be seen everywhere. Especially on
Starfleet ships and bases. Here, during my stay on Pandora Station, I first
came into contact with the word 'Greasemonkey'. When I learned about them, I
started to study them.
As I said before, the Greasemonkey is a creature that prefers the solitude
of a Jeffries Tube, more than the company of friends, for example in a
messhall. This doesn't necessarily mean that Greasemonkeys can't talk with
others... it just means that they are usually too pre-occupied with whatever
they are doing.
The habitat of the Greasemonkey is his sanctuary, or so it seems. Nothing
may be done to damage this habitat, or the Greasemonkey will get extremely
angry. And believe me... it's not a pleasant sight, seeing a Greasemonkey
who gets angry. Whenever that happens, leave the habitat. If you'll stay,
you'll enter a fight you can't possibly win.
It's an interesting aspect, though: the fights of a Greasemonkey. Somehow,
by just using it's complicated language, it can defeat an enemy, by
confusing him! I doubt the Greasemonkey himself knows what he's saying, but
it's enemy sure doesn't: in most cases, after the Greasemonkey has confused
his enemy, this enemy gives up the fight. It is my personal belief that the
Greasemonkey's words hypnotise it's enemy, so that it's enemy doesn't want
to fight anymore. It is all very.. interesting.
Another thing I find exciting and interesting about this particular
creature, is that they seem to be slaves to other creatures. They are always
ordered around, having to fix... whatever, in a short period of time.
However, these Greasemonkeys don't really care. They actually enjoy doing
it! They spend most of their time fixing the mess other creatures have
caused... and they take pride in doing that. I don't understand that they
don't stand up for themselves!
Of course, they have an own hierarchy. It would seem that there is a special
Chief Greasemonkey, to command all the other Greasemonkeys. This Chief
Greasemonkey decides what everyone is going to do, based on the tasks they
have to finish, and based on whatever the other creatures had broken. This
Chief Greasemonkey sometimes has Assistant Chief Greasemonkeys, who think
they have power, but, actually, don't. This is an ingenious system, thought
up by the Chief Greasemonkeys, to keep his subordinate Greasemonkeys happy.
Now that we know all of these things about Greasemonkeys, there is one
question remaining: why do they do what they do? Why do they spend their
days crawling around in greasy Jeffries Tubes, fixing other people's mess? I
tried to ask one of the Greasemonkeys... the Acting Chief Greasemonkey of
Pandora Station, to be exact. This Greasemonkey told me it was his way of
life... and somebody had to do it.
With this statement, I conclude my quasi-scientific report. It is my
conclusion that these Greasemonkeys do what they do, because nobody else
does it. And they like it, because that's an evolutionary necessity: if they
wouldn't like doing what they have to do, they would most certainly die of
all their own confusing Greasemonkey-terms.
We can only hope that Darwin's evolutionary theory also applies to these
Greasemonkeys. If that's true, we might see some Greasehumans in the far,
far future ahead.
This is Iana Darnena, for the Federation Tribune.
Goodday.
Written by Iana Darnena, aka Rob Versteegt.
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