We all know the famous hyperspanner. Every engineer in Starfleet has used one, once in a while. But what does it do? After you’ve read this article, you will never have to think of something to do with that piece of equipment. You can just use it, in one of the 20 ways, discribed below. (A hyperspanner is, at least, in my opinion, an instrument, which has a handle at one hand, and if you activate it, it has a short laserbeam at the other end.)
1. Use it as a torch. Very handy in case some probe drains all the power from your ship, and the emergency lights don’t respond.
2. Use it as a lighter. If your replicator is broken, just activate the hyperspanner, and you can cook on a homemade fire. (Be careful, you might set of the fire alarm)
3. Use it as an energy source. When you are all alone on a planet, and you have an engineering kit with you, but the beacon doens’t seem to be working, you can convert the hyperspanner in an energy source, so that the beacon starts sending signals again. (Ok, you’re an engineer, not a miracle worker, but this wouldn’t be a problem, would it?)
4.Trade it with an alien culture, who have never seen a hyperspanner, (but they do have warpdrive :P) for something valuable.
5. Use it as a sabre, that’s made out of light. (Hey, copyright… ;P) It could come in very handy when you’re facing pink bunnies, who also have those sabres. ;-)
6. Use it as a hammer. If you are building a treehouse for some kids, but you forgot to bring an old fashioned hammer with you…
7. Use it as a diversion. When aliens are invading your ship, throw the hyperspanner at them, then, when they look to see what that is, you open the nearest airlock! Muahahahaha!!!
8. You can hit someone with a hyperspanner. If you hit someone in the right spot, he might faint. Then again, he might also become very angry with you… Use this as a last resort! <G>
9. Roast marshmallows with it!
10. Put it in your quarters, as a decorative object.
11. Tie it to the side of your head, and pretend you’re a borg!
12. Tired of work? Pretend that you’re crazy. Talking to a hyperspanner helps!
13. If you really hate someone, replace his lollypop with a hyperspanner, and run away, as fast as you can!
14. Use your hyperspanner as a saw. With it’s laserbeam, it will cut through anything!
15. You can drop it, so that someone can fall over it.
16. You can place it in the captain’s chair, and pretend it is the captain. “Yessir Captain Hyperspanner Sir!”
17. The same as 16, but then for the First officer. <G>
18. Use it as a nightlight, if you’re afraid to sleep in the dark.
19. You can cut some wires with it. (so that the whole deck goes dark, and you can use it like described at nr 1.)
20. And finally, you can use it as an engineering tool used in the calibration of plasma injectors. (That’s what it’s for, you know?)
Well, I hope you all know what you can do with a hyperspanner.
Rob Versteegt.
(ACSO Jalando, ACMO Vok, Pandora station.)
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