After reading this I simply had to ask Lizz permission to
publish the article in our own ST Frontier Fleet Newspaper. Luckily Lizz allowed me to do so. Thanks Lizz! I hope everyone has as much fun reading it as I did when I read it the first time.
And now, it's time for...
Quirk and Trog's Comprehensive Guide to Manners and Ettiquitte
Quirk: What does comprehensive mean?
Trog: Shut up! *cuffs Quirk* Greetings hyu-mons and other species of the
universe. I am the great Ferengi Trog and this is my not-so identical win
brother, Quirk.
Quirk: We're here to give you a few tips on how to have good manners.
Trog: Of course, with enough latinum, you can have good manners...
Quirk: Okay, let's get started. Gee, Trog, I'm getting mighty pekish!
Trog: Not much of surprise. You eat about as much a tellarite.
Quirk: Well, I'll just sit down and make myself comfortable. *sits back in a
chair and sticks his feet up on the table, resulting in one foot resting in his
soup bowl.*
Trog: Now, what this idiot has done wrong is that it is considered impolite in hyu-mon society to add footwear to your soup as a flavoring, or even a
condiment.
Quirk: Exactly! *scratches behind his earlobe*
Trog: I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, Jean-Luc Picard *holds up a
cardboard-cutout likeness*
Quirk: Not right now, I'm busy eating!
Trog: Now, what Quirk has done wrong this time is that he has let the hyu-mon guest know how unimportant they are. A rule of thumb to be remembered is that hyu-mons find it rude when they are reminded how pitiful and small-lobed they are.
Quirk: Hey, Trog, there are so many pieces of cutlery here, I don't know what they all do!
Trog: *dryly* Not a huge surprise.
Quirk: For instance, what purpose does this strange, four-pronged instrument serve? I've tried to eat my soup with it, but it doesn't hold enough of the liquid for my efforts to be successful.
Trog: That, brother, is a salad fork. There are many mistakes when it comes to the extensive and elaborate extenses of hyu-mon cutlery. However, there is one rule that I have lived by that is easy to remember, and always ensures that you use the proper item for the proper use. It is this: hyu-mon cutlery serves no purpose save for making eating inefficient and unenjoyable. Just throw the cutlery away and eat the food as you see fit.
Quirk: Wow, that is so simple, yet so profound. You've changed my life,
brother!
Trog: Quirk! Didn't you remember that we had that banquet for the delegates this evening?
Quirk: *slaps his forehead* By the lobes! I forgot!
Trog: Well, we have the table set and the food ready. All we need to do is make a seating plan.
Quirk: Oh, but Trog, I don't think we need to make a seating plan.
Trog: *rolls his eyes* That's right Quirk. Then would you mind if the Bajoran
ambassador ended up sitting next to the Cardassian ambassador?
Quirk: Ummmmmmm....no?
Trog: Yes. When planning large events which include many different species, you must sensitive to cultural differences and which cultures don't like other cultures. For instance, it is not wise to insult a Klingon guest on their ridiculous armor, or their stupid-looking hair.
Quirk: But they didn't like the haircut you gave them.
Trog: Quiet! It's not my fault if they don't appreciate my artistic brilliance!
Quirk: On a final note, I will go over interactions with other members of
society. As you may have noticed throughout this entire session, Trog has been hostile and used rude language. This is why he has no friends.
Trog: It is not! And like you're perfect? You didn't even know what a salad
fork was and you'd lived on Earth your whole life!
Quirk: Well, at least my lobes aren't 0.55 millimeters too short!
Trog: That's it!!!
*The two become engaged in a brawl*
Lizz: Well, err....this concludes our seminar on manners and etiquitte. So
please, keep these lessons in mind and NEVER USE THEM! That way, it will make
out universe a better place to live. :)
