In last month's Tribune I featured a very long post from the recent Odyssey mission. Kelley Mackinnon (the Calhoun FO) made me aware of the fact that there have been much longer posts on the USS Calhoun. She selected one of the longest posts for this month's edition. It's at least twice as long, 16 pages, 6868 words. This must be the *longest* post in FF history. Thanks Kelley for sending it to me!
This post is from episode 007, during June 2002. Counselor Trissay and 2O Summers are kidnapped by the Kazon, but the ship they are held in crashes on an uninhabited planet. The two officers are in constant danger to be found by the Kazon or the treacherous Ensign Tim Lynch. For weeks they survive in very harsh circumstances.
Subject line: 2O/STC Summers / Couns. Trissay
(Alien world - 2390.10.17, sometime at night)
Dawn had lost total track of time to the point where there was just night and day. She had even lost track of how long the Kazon had her tied to the tree. The guard had tried twice to take advantage of her but she had kicked out her bound legs and threatened to call out for the Maje, the guard had ceased and pretty much given into to staring and dreams.
Dawns hands were burning as she could feel infection seep into them but she never said a word. The voices were all over her and she had to struggle to show no emotion. She knew now that Zela's death was her fault. Zela's death, the crew of the Pharaoh... Her emotions and morals had killed them all. Her bad decisions, she was useless and dangerous, no matter how good her intentions were.
She had changed in the matter of hours that she had been tied to the tree. From defiant to whatever it was she was now. She wasn't even sure of herself any more. She had killed Zela. Dawn hadn't even known she had fallen asleep with these thoughts when she heard the sound of a phaser. She lifted her sore head slightly. She noticed quickly her right eye was swollen shut, she didn't care. She saw movement but couldn't place it.
Someone touched Dawn. She looked up, all the fight gone from her tired body. She froze as she saw Zela's face. She was seeing ghost now, she had truly gone mad.
"You're alive?." She whispered.
"Shh, yes, I'm alive, I'm so pleased to see you, wait, I'll get you free, just hold on, you're free, everything's all right. . ." The words tumbled from Zela's and Dawn noticed she was crying. Dawn just sat in shock, trying to let the information set in. Setting the phaser to a low setting and the narrowest possible beam, Zela fumbled to cut Dawn free. She had freed her legs, and was just beginning on her arms, when a cry rang out from behind her.
Zela freed her and grab bed a hold of her hand dragging her out of the area, pausing only to pick up the phaser rifle and a knife of the dead Kazon. Pain laced through Dawn but she followed, not sure if she was dreaming or awake. When they were safe they fell to the ground. Dawn sat and looked at Zela, trying to figure out if it was a dream. A tear made its way down her cheek as she reached out and touched Zela's hand.
"You're..... How?" Dawn looked confused.
~It's a dream, you killed her, now she will forever haunt you.~
"I'm just so happy to see you," Zela managed between sobs. "I just. . . I'm. ."
" I saw you fall. I shouldn't have taken you out on the ....." Dawn had tears following down her face now. She was beside herself, part shock and part joy.
Zela looked at her, and actually smiled. It was the first real smile which had come to her lips in countless days. She knew she was a sorry sight, with her messy hair filled with earth, twigs, dust and probably insects, her unhealed wounds in her chest and legs, her torn uniform slung over one shoulder, and her ribs showing, but at that moment she felt only relief and a deep, pure joy at seeing Dawn again. Her tears were merely tears of combined joy, shock and weariness. She put her head against Dawn's shoulder and cried, letting the tears wash her clean of all that she... all that they had both - been through. . .
Dawn wrapped her arms around Zela, but the confusion was still plain on her face. Confusion, and guilt.
~This is her ghost, here to make you feel worse. Her death is on your hands Dawn Summers. Yours and Tim's. ~
"I know." she said and patted Zela gently on the back. Even if it was a ghost or a dream it was better than being alone or having nightmares. The voices became silent. Dawn pulled away from Zela, wiping the tears away from her own eyes.
"I'm sorry... I didn't" Dawn turned away and started crying. "It's all my fault, we shouldn't have gone across the ledge. I wish I could take it back and you would still be alive." She whispered now. "It's all my fault, I killed them all."
She buried her head in her knees rocking slightly. In the shadows, the form that had been following Dawn smiled...
Blinking away her own tears, Zela took Dawn in her arms, and gently whispered words of comfort, just so they could both feel they were no longer alone, they were both alive, and safe. . .
Dawn's words, however, had left the Counselor worried and more than a little afraid. Dawn was obviously confused, and seemed to believe Zela was dead, despite seeing her alive.
The Orion ever so gently put her hand beneath Dawn's chin, and lifted her head and looked into her eyes. "You've got nothing to be sorry for, Dawn," she whispered, and managed a smile.
"You've been incredibly brave. I'm alive, Dawn. Touch me; you'll see, I'm real, I'm here. And if it hadn't been f or you, I would never have survived." Softly, she put her hand on Dawn's cheek, and brushed away the tears. "If you hadn't been with me, I wouldn't even have survived that first day. You've kept me alive, Dawn. So don't blame yourself," she added, tears stinging her eyes again, "please don't blame yourself. . ."
~She is confusing you,~ the voice mocked, ~playing with you do not listen.~
Dawn looked up to Zela. "You weren't ready for the ledge."
Zela took Dawn's hand, and again gently helped her to her feet. "To me, you're a hero," she said forcefully. "My life-keeper spirit," she added with a smile, quoting Orion mythology. "But now we both need to stay alive. The Kazon will be looking for us. Come on, I'll take you somewhere they won't find us. . . We'll be all right. . . Can you walk? It's not very far. . ."
"I am alright."
"I've got a lot to tell you," Zela added. She took a few steps, and winced. The old wounds left by the beast's teeth in her legs were hurting again, and she found she could only limp. She knew the pain would pass again fairly soon, but it hadn't exactly chosen an ideal moment to surge up. . . "I know more about the elementals. . . I mean, the water and earth beings. There are air beings, too. I'll tell you about them."
As she was talking, she checked she still had all her belongings, and realized suddenly she had left her spear behind in the Kazon camp. Damn. . . It would have come in useful, if only to lean on until the pain in her legs subsided.
Dawn sensed the discomfort Zela was feeling as they walked. She looked down to the counselor's leg and saw the mark of the creature that had bit her ever so long ago. If she was a ghost why would she be limping and in discomfort.
~To fool you, Dawn. To fool you.~
It took them longer than Zela had expected to get back to her cave, the small cave she had been living in, half hidden by the forest's dense vegetation. It led down into the corridors, but Zela had never gone down that way, remaining cautiously just in the entrance.
Once inside, and therefore in relative safety, she helped Dawn to sit down, then leaned against a rock wall, catching her breath.
"You stay here," she told Dawn after a short while. "I'll go and fetch some food and water, and. . . and find out whether the Kazon are around," she added, trying to sound brave. "You need to rest, and build up your strength. When I get back, I'll tell you about the elementals."
Dawn did not reply. If this wasn't Zela, then perhaps it was one of the elementals helping her, bringing her food and water. Whatever the case, food would be coming. Dawn stood and moved outside of the cave.
Without really waiting to hear Dawn's reply, Zela left the cave once more. There was a small pond nearby, fed by an underground stream and therefore containing fresh, non-stagnant water. She also managed to find a fruit tree, then, firmly quieting her feeling of disgust, she hunted for grubs.
All in all, it took her about quarter of an hour. Now that the Kazon knew she was still alive, and would be out actively searching for her, she felt renewed fear at being discovered, but fortunately she encountered no Kazon guards. She eventually made her way back to the small cave, the small skin pouch tied to her waist and filled with water, her uniform pockets stuffed full of wriggling grubs, and her arms heavily laden with fruit. She had wanted to gather as much as she could, so as to avoid leaving the cave too much over the following days.
~ Despite myself, I've become a survivor, ~ she thought grimly, as she neared her fragile sanctuary once more. But she knew she probably wouldn't be able to survive much longer on this planet.
The question was, was the Delta One crew still looking for them? That question had been tormenting her for countless days. Gradually, hope had slipped away, as she fell into the routine and instinct of survival, but still it remained in a corner of her mind. That hope, too, was ultimately what kept her alive. . .
Dawn looked at the grub for a long moment then to Zela. "How long have you been eating those?" She asked.
Zela shuddered.
"Far too long. . . But I've been avoiding them recently. I've been eating fewer and fewer of them. . . If I have to eat another one, I think I'll be sick. . ."
Dawn could tell just by looking at the counselor that her diet was as thin as the one Dawn had been living off of, but they could not afford to keep a diet of grub. They offered the energy they needed and satisfied some what the hunger, but they did not give the body half the supplements it needed to survive. Besides, Dawn knew she would never be able to get another one down. She did however eat the offered fruit and water.
"I will hunt tomorrow and get us some real meat or we will not last much longer." She stared at Zela for a long time.
~Don't let her stop you from killing your enemies. You have done so well, nearly eliminated all of them. Remember she is just a ghost.~
Tomorrow, while I am out hunting I will hunt as well for Tim and the Maje. She had no idea why she suddenly felt guilty in front of the ghost that was Zela. Dawn knew she had already stepped way out of the boundaries of the prime directive. Both her and Zela knew Dawn would have been able to survive perfectly well with out murdering the Kazon she had. The only thing the counselor didn't know was how satisfying those kills had been and how she longed for more Kazon blood.
Dawn quickly shook her head and stood, scrambling away from the counselor. She needed air; where the heck had that last though come from. She longed for no ones blood. She was a survivor not a killer.
~No. ..~ The voice said and proceeded to run each kill through her head. ~You are actually very talented at it Dawn Summers.~
"STOP" She yelled out covering her ear and sinking to her knees. She took a few minutes to recover. She knew Zela was standing behind her. She just stayed kneeling looking away.
"Dawn. . . What is it?" Zela asked, very softly. "I'm here with you now, I can help. Just tell me; I'll do what I can. . ."
Dawn did not answer.
"Tell me about these elementals?"
The Counselor nodded. She didn't want to force information out of Dawn. Her friend would come to her if and when she felt the need, on her own terms. . .
"The elementals really are trying to help us," she explained. "As I said, there are air elementals, too. They stopped my fall in the chasm, saved my life. . .
Then the water and earth elementals helped, by giving me water, and plants to stop my wounds from getting infected. . . "Her voice was shaking very slightly as she remembered. "So they are on our side. . . But they can't do everything, of course. . . They're just trying to help us as best they can. . ."
"They have been feeding me, fruit, for the last while, but I had stopped eating for a couple of days. We are going to need to start a proper diet or we will not survive. ."
~And you will have to kill the rest of the Kazon.~
"No." She told the voice simply. "Tomorrow I will hunt. You will look for more fruit and I will make us another gurney. Once we are set we can move on." She was quiet for a long time. She would in fact find Tim first and kill him, then the Maje.
~That's my girl.~
"I thought you dead." Dawn said simply. "I had given up hope..."
Zela sat down beside her friend. "I know it's hard to believe. . . But we're both alive, and. . . and everything's going to be fine. We'll make sure we stay alive. All right?"
Dawn nodded, afraid to speak.
"Dawn, do you know if there's a way we can get off this planet? Any way?"
"No you destroyed the only ship. I probably could have figured out how to pilot it. But then getting past the warship would have been a problem."
Zela didn't answer immediately. Truth be told, she was thinking about what would happen if they had to stay here much longer. Dawn's sanity was quite obviously and frightening being eroded. ~ I have to help her cling to reality. . . Focus on survival. . . ~
"We're going to stay away from the Kazon," Zela said at last. Suddenly, without quite realizing it, she had become the one making decisions. Despite her wounds and malnourishment, she was, for now, in a better shape than Dawn. . . and the Counselor felt it was up to her to protect the two of them. Hopefully not for long, of course. . . Just until someone rescued them. . .
~ Or until we're both dead. . . ~
~ No, ~ she told herself firmly. ~ That won't happen ! We'll make sure of it...~
"We're going to stay away from the Kazon," she repeated, "and wait until our crewmates find us. They will, eventually," she said, trying to sound as though she believed it. "For now, though, you need to eat, and then sleep. I'll stay awake and guard the cave while you rest. . ."
She stood, and winced at the pain in her legs, but smiled down reassuringly at her friend.
"I've not been sleeping Zela. Nor am I able too. I'll stay...." Suddenly the ground began to rumble and became unsteady. Dawn thought for a moment that it might be a worm, but the whole ground was shaking this time. It was an earth quake. They had to get away from the cave. Dawn did not need to tell Zela, grabbing a hold of her friends arm as they moved away. Some of the weaker trees fell around them. The narrowly avoided a few. They stopped running when the ground stopped shaking.
~Dawn duck.~ Warned the voice. Dawn quickly threw Zela to the ground and fell on top of her, a phaser shot hitting the tree above them, pulling out her knife she spun around. Tim and two Kazon came towards them.
"Oh today is my lucky day." Dawn said and flipped to her feet. Tim motioned for the two Kazon to fire but Dawn split the small distance before they had the chance and charged into the first Kazon her knife sliding into his stomach. His warm inviting blood spilt over onto her hands. She used his body as a shield as the other one fired. She threw the knife at the standing Kazon hitting him in the chest. The man fell to the ground. She looked to Tim. Moving to recover her knife. She pulled it out of his chest.
"Now you die." She said.
"Dawn. . ." Zela cautioned fearfully, but neither of the two paid her the slightest attention. "Dawn, don't. . . Please."
"You're getting pretty good at death, Chief. I think you are actually better than I am."
"Shut up Tim." She said moving slowly forward. Tim was moving back keeping a distance watching the knife.
"Dawn!" Zela put in, her voice sharp and urgent. "You don't want to kill him; you know you don't!" She pointed her phaser, set on stun, straight at Lynch, then glanced at her friend. "You can drop your knife now, Dawn. . . You know you don't want to hurt anyone. . ."
"Oh she will really try hard to kill me Zela. By the way I am so glad Dawn was wrong about you. Has Dawn told you what she's been up to since you disappeared. Ask her why blood stains her hands. Ask her how well she kept up the Prime Directive in you...."
Dawn lunged at him and the two of them were running. Dawn to kill him, Tim for his life. Dawn had no idea where Zela was.
~Catch him Dawn Summers. If you kill him then Zela's ghost will be alive. ~ It made no sense but Dawn believed it. Dawn lunged and caught one of Tim's feet. He fell to the ground and kicked out , hitting her in the shoulder.
" So it comes down to you and I." He said. Dawn did not reply. She though only for a second about where Zela might be before the two engaged in combat.
Zela began to run just half a second after the two of them; she had been taken utterly by surprise. The problem was, they were both so much faster than her; she was limping, half stumbling as she ran, breathing hard and painfully. . .
They exchanged a quick round of blows before Dawn even realized she had lost her knife.
~He will die better from you hands anyway Dawn Summers.~
"Yes."
The fight was vicious but Dawn found herself enjoying it as she watched Tim weaken during it. He had never really been in a battle for his life. . . She had.
She caught his punch and trapped his arm throwing him to the ground. Her hand wrapped around his neck, legs pinning his arms down. She squeezed.
Zela rushed onto the scene of the confrontation, and found Dawn busily and viciously squeezing the life out of Lynch.
"NO!!" the Counselor yelled, and ran forward. She stumbled, fell flat on her face, then scrambled to her feet and ran towards Dawn.
Dawn didn't hear her. She had to kill Tim. ~Yes kill him.~
Zela grabbed her arm, and tried to pull her away from Tim's neck. ~ Damn, but she's strong. . . ~
She felt the counselor grab her arms and try to peel them off. Dawn resisted.
"Dawn!" Zela pleaded. "Lieutenant Summers! You're a Starfleet officer, you're a sentient being! You don't want to kill him! Please, please listen to me! This isn't you; you don't want to do it! Think about it! Listen to me! Dawn, please!"
Dawn held on for a few more seconds, Zela's words sinking in. She reluctantly let Tim go. He spun around and kicked her then ran off. Dawn remained kneeling on the ground. She offered no explanation to Zela, nor did she even speak. She just watched Tim run off. Fighting hard with herself not to follow and finish the job. She was shaking hard.
Zela touched her gently, then kneeled down and, again, put her arms round her, comforting her.
"It's all right," she whispered softly, "it's all over, everything's fine. . . Breathe in deep, go on, you'll be all right. . . Breathe deep, it'll help you calm down. . ."
Dawn took a deep breath but still didn't talk. She needed to get herself under control.
For several long seconds, Zela likewise remained silent. Then, slowly, she released her friend, and stood. "Can I leave you here for a few minutes?" she asked, keeping her voice soft and soothing. "I've got to go and check on those two Kazon. . ."
"If they die, they die, it is not our concern."
~She will help them.~
"I know."
"I'll be straight back," the Orion promised. She hesitated, and almost asked Dawn about what Lynch had said. About whether she had been murdering the Kazon. . . She bit back the words, though, and said nothing. Silently, she made her way back to where the two guards had fallen.
She found one sitting leaning against a tree, clutching the wound in his chest and gasping. His red face was pale, almost pink, and his eyes widened as he saw the Orion come towards him. He fumbled for a weapon at his belt, but Zela quickly lifted her hands, palms outwards.
"I'm not here to hurt you. . ."
He glared at her suspiciously.
"I promise," she said, managing a smile. "I can try to help you. . ."
"You stay away from me!" the Kazon snarled. He glanced at his fallen comrade, who still lay sprawled motionless on the ground. "And from him too! Run, little girl, run off into the forest! We'll find you eventually, you and your crazy friend. . ."
Zela shivered.
"You're wounded. I've got some plants which could. . ."
With a great effort, the man heaved him self up, using the tree as support. He grimaced in pain, then looked at her angrily. "You'd try to kill us!"
"No, I wouldn't!" she answered, feeling strangely hurt by his words. "I'm sorry about what happened, but Dawn was just defending her life and mine. But I don't want to harm you any more; really, I don't. . ."
"She won't try and kill you. It's me you have to worry about." Dawn raised her rifle and fired twice, not paying attention to Zela yelling at her. Dawn offered no explanation and sat down. She could see Zela looking at her accusingly.
"Relax it was a light stun setting. You can help them without getting yourself hurt." Dawn sat down on one of the fallen trees, resting both hands on her legs and looking to the ground. It was all she had not kill either of them. Her finger remained on the trigger of the phaser and it would take little time to change the heading. She put the phaser rifle back on her back. She looked to Zela who was still looking at her.
"Hurry please." She said.
Zela nodded and moved to help the injured Kazon. Dawn almost foamed at the mouth watching. She eventually turned away.
~You disappoint me, Dawn Summers.~
"Why, because I'm not listening to you."
~Yes, we both know you want to listen to me. I guess neither of us realized the impact the counselor would have on you. You hated her did you not?~
"Once."
~And now.~
"She is a friend."
~You must separate from her and finish what you started.~
"She will not survive."
~She is holding you back.~
"She is holding me together. You have no idea the trouble I am in already."
~You were surviving.~
"Yes."
~It was you or the Kazon, it still is. You just became the hunter that is all.~
"Yes."
~Then you must continue.~
Dawn was silent for a long time. She didn't even know Zela was finished nor that she had approached until the counselor had laid a hand on her shoulder. Dawn jumped.
"They will live." Dawn said flatly. Zela nodded.
"Yes, they will. At least, they won't die from the knife wounds. But. . . we can't just leave them here. You realize that, don't you? We have to bring them to the Kazon camp."
"We have to leave here, we will not return them anywhere."
Zela frowned. ~ You've changed, Dawn, ~ she thought but did not say. ~ And that frightens me. . .~
"If we leave them here, they might be killed by wild animals before they wake up. We'd be abandoning them to their deaths. We have to take them back to their own people! We can leave them just outside the camp, then shout to let the other Kazon know, then run before they-"
Dawn grabbed Zela by the arm. "We will not be returning them anywhere. Do you have any idea what will happen to me if we go near that camp. That Maje wants to torture me Zela, as much as I want to kill him. If not I will be shot on sight. These men are better now. They will find their way back when they wake."
"Not if they're dead!" Zela countered, her voice hard. "We have to watch over them, at least until the effects of the stun blasts wear off. . ."
Dawn sighed. "I can't stay with them." She said simply. "I will kill them, I lust to kill them now. We must go."
Zela bit her lip.
"Dawn, I think you. . . you should go and find us a new place to hide. Not a cave; there might be another earthquake. But. . . somewhere. Then come back here to lead me there. I'll be staying here until these Kazon get up and leave." She looked into Dawn's eyes. "I think it's best that way. . . don't you?"
Dawn looked at Zela for a long moment a slight flicker of betrayal in her eyes. She knew the counselor had chosen the Kazon over her. At least that's what the voice told her. ~See you made that mistake of trusting again Dawn. You know what happens when you trust. You always get hurt.~
Dawn shook her head. Deep down she knew it wasn't betrayal, it was the way Zela was. Dawn bit her lip and left the area. She was planning on going far away, submitting to the voice in her head, but instead she stopped a runs way away from the camp. Enough, that she could control herself.
~Leave her Dawn, She choose them over you.~
"No, that is her way.~
~Is it. Those Kazon were out to kill you, you know they will when they get their hands on you.~
"yes."
~Kill them.~
"I will wait."
Zela waited until her friend was out of sight, then she slipped her phaser into her uniform pocket, and climbed up the nearest tree. Crouched on a branch, she looked down at the two motionless guards.
If any wild beast came too close, she would be able to shoot it.
She just hoped the Kazon would wake up soon. . .
Minutes passed. . .
Zela shifted uncomfortably on the large branch she had chosen. At one point, one of the unconscious men had stirred slightly, but they were still both lying there. Zela moved her legs slightly, careful to keep her balance, trying to fight off the cramps.
Then, she heard sound. She tensed.
A large, long-furred, four-legged beast wandered up. Its head was lowered, and it was sniffing the ground noisily. Its short-ears pricked up, and it looked suddenly towards the two helpless Kazon.
Zela swallowed her, her grip tightened on her phaser. She took aim. . .
The beast moved closer to the Kazon, and placed a heavy paw on one man's chest. Its nose pressed against his neck. Still, he didn't wake. . .
Zela fired.
The blast tore through the air, and impacted in the ground a meter away from the creature. Missed. It jumped back, alarmed, and then ran off into the forest. The two Kazon, however, sat up quickly. They looked at each other.
"She didn't kill us!"
"Did you hear that shot? Or did I imagine-"
"No, I heard it too." The guard helped his friend to his feet. Both were obviously still in pain; Zela had been able only to perform the basics of first aid. "That Summers female must be here somewhere. . . Toying with us," he added with a snarl.
The other Kazon dropped to a half-crouch, his eyes darting round.
"So what do we do?"
Zela held her breath, and sat tensely on her branch. She was beginning to wonder whether this had been such a good idea after all. . .
~ Of course it was. If you hadn't stayed , that creature might have killed them...~
~ Go away, both of you! ~ she urged silently. ~ Just go away, so I can get down from here! ~
Then, her foot slipped.
Dawn had started running at the sound of the phaser. Her heart pumping.
~She's getting what she deserves.~
"Shut up."
Dawn ran into the clearing, both Kazon surrounded Zela who was lying on the ground. Dawn didn't even think she just obeyed.
~Kill them.~
Dawn fired twice, this time the phaser no longer on light stun. She hit the first one but missed the second who ran off. Dawn started running but stopped when she reached Zela's side. It was not the time to run off blindly. She avoided Zela's gaze.
"Are you ok?" She asked.
Zela stood painfully, rubbing her ankle. She didn't answer her friend's question, but said instead, "The whole point of me staying here was for those two to stay alive!"
"I thought they were going to hurt you." She said, but looked down to the dead Kazon feeling satisfied.
Zela knelt down, and felt for the man's pulse. There wasn't one.
She looked up at Dawn, the look in her eyes hard and accusing. "He's dead. You didn't have to kill him." Her gaze softened slightly as she added, "Thank you, though. You've saved me. . . again. But. . ." She glanced at the dead Kazon, and bit her lip.
She almost asked how many other Kazon Dawn had killed; murdered, but finally said nothing.
She tried to stand up again, but pain lanced through her, causing her to gasp. Her eyes watered, and she touched her ankle, wincing.
I will not apologize, Dawn thought to herself.
~Nor should you.~
"We must move." Dawn helped Zela up, her ankle was slightly twisted, and probably a crack bone or strained muscle but now was not the time to examine it. Dawn found them a spot, not even realizing it had been the waterfall she had originally been at, the days had been a jumble and she could hardly remember the past. Neither spoke. Dawn knew Zela wanted to ask her something and she had an idea what it was, but Dawn was not ready to answer. She knew Zela and if Zela knew what she had done she would relieve her of duty and have her arrested as soon as they were rescued. She had almost done so once before.
"We will stay here as long as possible."
The Orion nodded wordlessly, and sat down by the water, bathing her swollen ankle in the pool. She looked up at the Second Officer, her eyes betraying hesitation, a mixture of fear, anger and gratitude.
The counselor started to say something but Dawn raised her hand. " Not now, Zela, I'm not ready."
**************************************
(alien world - 2390.11.10, 10:00)
Weeks had gone by and Dawn had withdrawn from Zela more and more. The voices were constantly talking to her now. She only managed to focus her thoughts when Zela asked her something directly or when something needed to be done. Dawn had become terrified to leave this area, afraid of her own action should she run into the Kazon.
Within the first week Dawn had managed to build them a camouflaged shelter and they began to settle into a routine. They had collected several of the shells containing the fruit and cut them in half using them for containers. They were even becoming familiar with the plants. Quaint one would call it, except that Dawn was highly volatile and it worried both of them.
The morning was warm, but hadn't reached hot yet. Dawn had just had a bath and was sitting on the side of the pond, waiting for what was left of her clothes to dry. She could feel Trissay behind her.
"I killed them." Dawn said after weeks of nothing being mentioned on the subject. "I don't know how many. The first attacked me, but then I decided not to be hunted. I don't know why. I could have hid out forever, they would have never gotten close." She never once looked back to the counselor. "The worse part was that I am enjoying the kill, to the point where its almost an addiction."
Dawn took a deep breath. "I fight everyday, Zela, not to go out and hunt down that traitor and the Kazon. I long to feel their blood on my hands, to taste it and it's scaring me. I have never felt like this before and I don't understand it. The Cardassians did far worse to me and I never wished to harm them like this." She looked over her shoulder to the counselor.
"I don't know what to do. Its not me in here anymore." Then Dawn did something she had never done before. "I need help. I'm loosing myself...." She said and turned back to the water.
Zela sat down silently beside her. For a short while, she said nothing, as she took in what Dawn had just told her. She needed to control her own emotions, if she wanted to help her friend. . .
"We're all trying to survive," she said at last. She looked into Dawn's eyes. "It's normal that you should feel afraid and guilty about it; that proves that you're still who you are. You haven't lost yourself, Dawn. Trust me, I'm not just trying to make you feel better."
She paused.
"We've been stuck here for weeks now. Every passing day has been a struggle for survival. We've reverted to a more primitive state; we've had to do so. We've had to listen to the more animal side within us, she swallowed hard - "and allow it in part to guide us. But," she added forcefully, still looking straight at the other woman, "we're still in control. You're still yourself, Dawn. You're strong, and I know you can keep in control. I'll help you every step of the way," she added gently.
For a split second, Zela felt a flicker of fear, as she looked at her friend. She was sitting beside someone who had committed murder, and who felt torn by a desire to kill. . . But then, another image replaced that one. Dawn was her friend, and she needed help. For the first time in a long time, she felt fragile, insecure, and Zela was the only person who could possibly help her.
~ I won't let you down, my friend, ~ she silently promised.
Dawn shrugged. "It's gone beyond survival for me."
"Maybe we should move further away," Zela suggested, almost in a whisper. "Further away from the Kazon. Maybe we should even go back into the corridors; they won't find us there, and you won't have to kill them. How does that sound?"
"We can not go back into the corridors we both now that. It took me weeks just to find a way out. There are no resources down there and I don't think I could eat another grub if my life depends on it, and it does." Dawn looked away and almost silently added. "Besides that's where it began."
"I'd have liked us to find Lynch," Zela admitted after a short while. "I'd have liked to take him back to Delta One, and do my best to help him. But now I think we should try to avoid him." She managed a smile. "My first priority is to help you, not him."
"Tim is lost to us, we are not getting him back." She said not explaining.
"I don't know whether we should be talking about Lynch," the Orion said. She began gathering up their things, piling up their primitive fruit-carved containers. She took her uniform from where she had left it on a tree branch. It was stained and torn almost to rags. Besides, it was too warm here on the planet for her to wear it. She slung it over one shoulder, though, refusing for some reason to just leave it behind. "In a way," she admitted at last, "I find Lynch fascinating. But not as much as Steven." She turned towards Dawn once more, and
smiled. "I dream of Steven more and more, you know. And thinking about him helps me cling to. . . reality. Sanity, To my own self. Because I keep on hoping and believing I'll see him again one day soon. He'll do all he can to find us; I know he will."
She walked over to Dawn, and sat down beside her again.
"Do you dream of Qar? Think of him; it might just help you remember who you are. You're the woman he loves, Dawn. You're a kind person, capable of wonderful emotions. You're not a murderous beast; I know you. Qar knows you, he knows you'll survive this and come through it bravely. I'm sure of it. He'll come to help you. You've just got to hang on long enough. Remember the days before we got stranded here. That's who you are, Dawn. That's what you must cling to. . ."
"I don't sleep Zela. Death haunts me there. There is always a lot of blood and horror and I don't go there. I think of Qar all the time, but I don't think I will see him again." She reached over and splashed some water over her face. "I lost track of time in the tunnels. But I know its been a long time. Star Fleet probably doesn't even know we've crashed, they are probably trying to find us amongst the Kazon, not here on this god forsaken planet." Dawn stood and looked around.
"This is our home for now Zela. The Kazon have not come here since we have been here. Regardless of my sanity, we are not leaving. I will not go out and hunt them, but god help them if they come here. We will not run any more." Dawn made her way to the edge of the clearing.
Zela hesitated.
"We'll discuss it again later, then. . ."
"I am going to set some perimeter traps, something to alert us. Then I will show them to you. Then we will continue with your spear lessons." That was something else they had worked on. Dawn had made a short supply of spears and went on with teaching Zela how to hunt and fight with one. It was just a couple days ago that she had caught their latest creature. Dawn could tell Zela had not been happy about it though.
As for fighting with the spear Zela had improved a lot, using it as a quarter staff. Dawn just wondered if she would ever use it.
The Orion almost objected, but then swallowed back the words before they could escape her lips. She didn't want to use a spear; she feared it was changing her in a way she didn't at all like, turning her into a potential killer" but the spear lessons would keep Dawn's mind off her own problems.
She nodded, then suggested,
"Maybe you should rest a little before you set the traps. I don't want you to accidentally hurt yourself. . ."
"I don't know if I will be ok Zela, but I will be able to handle putting up traps and returning here." Dawn smiled slightly and worked in the distance collecting and building. She really had come to call this area home, more than she would admit to Zela. She was not leaving because of the Kazon.
~You are weak.~
"Really, I've managed to resist you haven't I."
~We have been silent waiting for you to make the right decision.~
"I have Zela comes first."
~The revenge is not out of the picture.~
"Never."
If the voices had a face she could have sworn they would be smiling.
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(Posted by Kelley MacKinnon & Adrian Rodd)
